Dear Diary,
I feel happy today. Maybe it's the coffee talking, but, more likely, it is my renewed sense of purpose.
First, let me begin by stating that, for a while now, I have been asking God for some direction. It is so exhausting and unfulfilling to feel like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong spot and I've been desperately seeking an answer to this dilema. Overall, I want to be true to God's calling and true to myself and, to be frank, office work just isn't doing it for me.
A funny thing happened today - I was taking a business call and assisting a teacher. While she was waiting for me to finish something, she was chatting with a couple of her coworkers. At one point they started joking and she exclaimed, "no, I could never be secretary - I'm a teacher and I can't multitask well enough for office work."
Bing! A light bulb came on over my head.
That's me!
I was trained to be a teacher. I spent four years of my life and thousands of dollars to be a teacher. And what have I done for the past 6 years? Avoided being a teacher. Part of that was circumstantial (as in, I don't have a Master's degree and, thus, cannot teach public school and I don't live in a place where I can teach at a private, Christian school), but part of that was complete denial that teaching was something I actually wanted to do or would enjoy.
Why I denied that is silly - I was afraid. I still am. I am afraid of teaching because it means I have to be responsible for something bigger than filing and it means I have to step outside of my comfortable little cubicle.
And, dangit, I have dedicated 6+ years of my life to this gray, drab cubicle (or similiarly drab cubicles).
So back to that conversation I overheard and why I said it was "me." It's me, because I completely identified with the statement and with the feel of her conversation.
Some people are great multi-taskers (say hello to my cubbie-mate). They're organized in a professional, I-love-my-filing-cabinet sort of way. They've got the secretary voice down to an art and they show up early at the office as if it's the most exciting place in the world. I'm glad these types exist - someone has to do it and it's wonderful that certain people thrive in office settings.
But I'm not one of those types. I've never been, although one might get the impression I am.
No, I'm the type who gets excited and fluttery when I hear teachers mention their classroom chaos or their beginning of the year prep. I'm the type who, despite moments of shyness, actually loves the idea of leading a training session because it means I get to teach something. I love being creative and all-over the map. I love interacting and seeing people light up when they finally understand something I taught them.
And, deep down, I long to help young people not only understand things academically, but also understand how unique, special, and loved by God they are.
So that's my new purpose in life: to teach.
I don't know all the "hows" or "whens," but I'm going to keep pressing toward what I know I am designed to be. I believe that, if I do, God will give me the grace and the opportunity to embrace His call.
And that, dear Diary, is really exciting.
Until Next Time,
Meghan N.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Entry #2 - My Insanity
Dear Diary,
Can I pretend to be somewhere else, just for five minutes? Maybe on a beach in Hawaii or a motorbike in Costa Rica. Anywhere but here.
You see, today was supposed to be a Tuesday, but, instead, it turned out to be a second Monday complete with the "anything that could go wrong does" feel of that inglorious first day of the week. Work was insanely busy, my oldest is incredibly fussy (aka screaming-like-a-banshee-until-you-all-turn-to-stone angry), and the new tire on my van went flat again, not more than 10 minutes after leaving the tire shop. Not to mention the fact that we're broke and worn thin in so many areas.
I need a break.
Thank God for His grace and mercy that sees me through even the toughest times and thank God for giving me a best friend and partner in crime. On days like today, God and my husband are my only sanity. I really don't know where I would be without them.
Until Next Time,
Meghan N.
Can I pretend to be somewhere else, just for five minutes? Maybe on a beach in Hawaii or a motorbike in Costa Rica. Anywhere but here.
You see, today was supposed to be a Tuesday, but, instead, it turned out to be a second Monday complete with the "anything that could go wrong does" feel of that inglorious first day of the week. Work was insanely busy, my oldest is incredibly fussy (aka screaming-like-a-banshee-until-you-all-turn-to-stone angry), and the new tire on my van went flat again, not more than 10 minutes after leaving the tire shop. Not to mention the fact that we're broke and worn thin in so many areas.
I need a break.
Thank God for His grace and mercy that sees me through even the toughest times and thank God for giving me a best friend and partner in crime. On days like today, God and my husband are my only sanity. I really don't know where I would be without them.
Until Next Time,
Meghan N.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Entry #1 - Thoughts on Parenting
Dear Diary,
I arrived at work early this morning and had a couple of minutes to myself, something I haven't had much of lately. Naturally, I took that time to grab a coffee and a take a few minutes to ponder life and children. I know, it seems strange that I took those quiet minutes to think about kids, but it hinged on a conversation (or soap box, really) regarding parenting that my husband and I had on our way into town.
As I walked, I started contemplating how parenting is not the easiest thing I have ever done and how I can't imagine why/how anyone could ever say that it is simple (this has been said, trust me).
Are there easy things about it? Of course! I actually thought of quite a few "easy" things.
It's easy to hold my babies when they need comfort; it's easy to cherish their laughter and smiles. It's easy to revel in my toddler's imagination and play and to enjoy my infant's growth and milestones. It's easy to love them no matter what, to look into their eyes and melt, to want the best for them and try my hardest to given them the world.
The very core of what it means to be a mommy (or a daddy) is not complicated - the instinct to want to provide and nourish is, for most people, natural. It's the other parts of parenting that are difficult.
I'm not the best disciplinarian, so it stretches me when I have to correct my oldest daughter. And, admit it, no one likes getting upset with their children, but, as parents, we have to at times. I hate the quivering lower lip and the watery puppy eyes that appear when she's being scolded. It's not fun feeling like the bad guy, when, in reality, I'm doing what I have to do to ensure that she's safe or well-behaved. I want her to be free to explore and be herself, but I also want her to understand that there are things she cannot do (e.g. hit others, throw toys, run into the street, throw fits when she doesn't get her way, etc.).
Infancy is not a walk in the park either. Waking up in the wee hours to feed a screaming baby is not my idea of a good time, especially not after 5 months of interrupted sleep. Dealing with teething and fussiness on top of lack of sleep is exhausting. Throw into the mix the fact that both kids have needs to be met (usually at the same time, because children never take turns), the house needs to be cleaned and dinner needs to be cooked and you've got yourself a bona fide frazzled mommy. Not easy to deal with at all (poor husband).
Then there is the working mom aspect. I feel guilty as if I'm letting my children down, but I know that my income is necessary and that we need the health insurance. I daydream of a utopia where I can work part-time (I do enjoy working to some degree!) and still have several uninterrupted hours with my girls. The parks we would visit - the walks we would take - the amazing, fun things we would do! But, no, in the real world, I am at a desk from 7:30-4, not including the half hour commute back and forth. And then I have to come home and somehow manage to keep my kids happy and on a schedule. Blah. One day...
Now, diary, I am not complaining at all. My little girls are worth everything! All the hard work involved in raising them right, all the hours spent at my job, all the time involved in caring for them - I do it all because I love them with all of my being. There is nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for them (sleep included). And all the harder moments of parenting are countered by the millions of sweet moments I get for being the mommy (such as the spontaneous kiss and "I love you more" from my toddler or the sudden bout of hysterical laughter from my five month old). I wouldn't trade a second with my daughters for a thousand hours to myself.
So, no, parenting is not easy, but it is worth it. Hopefully we'll see the fruit of our labor 18 years down the road when we've put in the time and watched our children are grown into beautiful, thoughtful, well-rounded young adults.
That, as a parent, is my sincerest wish.
Until Next Time,
Meghan N.
I arrived at work early this morning and had a couple of minutes to myself, something I haven't had much of lately. Naturally, I took that time to grab a coffee and a take a few minutes to ponder life and children. I know, it seems strange that I took those quiet minutes to think about kids, but it hinged on a conversation (or soap box, really) regarding parenting that my husband and I had on our way into town.
As I walked, I started contemplating how parenting is not the easiest thing I have ever done and how I can't imagine why/how anyone could ever say that it is simple (this has been said, trust me).
Are there easy things about it? Of course! I actually thought of quite a few "easy" things.
It's easy to hold my babies when they need comfort; it's easy to cherish their laughter and smiles. It's easy to revel in my toddler's imagination and play and to enjoy my infant's growth and milestones. It's easy to love them no matter what, to look into their eyes and melt, to want the best for them and try my hardest to given them the world.
The very core of what it means to be a mommy (or a daddy) is not complicated - the instinct to want to provide and nourish is, for most people, natural. It's the other parts of parenting that are difficult.
I'm not the best disciplinarian, so it stretches me when I have to correct my oldest daughter. And, admit it, no one likes getting upset with their children, but, as parents, we have to at times. I hate the quivering lower lip and the watery puppy eyes that appear when she's being scolded. It's not fun feeling like the bad guy, when, in reality, I'm doing what I have to do to ensure that she's safe or well-behaved. I want her to be free to explore and be herself, but I also want her to understand that there are things she cannot do (e.g. hit others, throw toys, run into the street, throw fits when she doesn't get her way, etc.).
Infancy is not a walk in the park either. Waking up in the wee hours to feed a screaming baby is not my idea of a good time, especially not after 5 months of interrupted sleep. Dealing with teething and fussiness on top of lack of sleep is exhausting. Throw into the mix the fact that both kids have needs to be met (usually at the same time, because children never take turns), the house needs to be cleaned and dinner needs to be cooked and you've got yourself a bona fide frazzled mommy. Not easy to deal with at all (poor husband).
Then there is the working mom aspect. I feel guilty as if I'm letting my children down, but I know that my income is necessary and that we need the health insurance. I daydream of a utopia where I can work part-time (I do enjoy working to some degree!) and still have several uninterrupted hours with my girls. The parks we would visit - the walks we would take - the amazing, fun things we would do! But, no, in the real world, I am at a desk from 7:30-4, not including the half hour commute back and forth. And then I have to come home and somehow manage to keep my kids happy and on a schedule. Blah. One day...
Now, diary, I am not complaining at all. My little girls are worth everything! All the hard work involved in raising them right, all the hours spent at my job, all the time involved in caring for them - I do it all because I love them with all of my being. There is nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for them (sleep included). And all the harder moments of parenting are countered by the millions of sweet moments I get for being the mommy (such as the spontaneous kiss and "I love you more" from my toddler or the sudden bout of hysterical laughter from my five month old). I wouldn't trade a second with my daughters for a thousand hours to myself.
So, no, parenting is not easy, but it is worth it. Hopefully we'll see the fruit of our labor 18 years down the road when we've put in the time and watched our children are grown into beautiful, thoughtful, well-rounded young adults.
That, as a parent, is my sincerest wish.
Until Next Time,
Meghan N.
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